RENEWAL

WELL, WELL , WELL.

I certainly did have good intentions of blogging regularly, didn't I?!

So much has happened since I posted last! I have had another baby and he has had three birthdays! Get out your wet noodles and start slingin'!!! But beware as you read...it's a humdinger and it is LONG.

As one can imagine, three years worth of joys, decisions, injuries, illnesses, struggles, accomplishments, and personal victories cannot be adequately peared down into a few paragraphs. I think it would be wise to just recall and journal about them as they come naturally, so that is what I will aspire to for now.

Going forward from today, though, there are several things that are important for me to do.

It is important for me to explain my new picture and this post's title. It is important for me to write things down, because apparently the last time I posted I only thought that I had a bad memory. Now it is official! It is important for me to keep track of all the feelings and experiences that I will be having soon.

It is important. It is critical. It. Is. Essential!

If I keep reminding myself of how important it is, I am hoping that it will become a priority. That I will be able to continue posting what will hopefully be a window for my children to view the complex scenery that is my mind and to understand how very much I love and value them.

RENEWAL.

We recently traveled to Alaska on a cruise. This trip could not have come at a better time for me. I had just finished a 3 month stint of single parenting our three kids due to a temporary assignment CJ was on. During this time, I thought it might be a good idea to take said children galavanting all over the country and proved to myself that I am stronger and braver than I give myself credit for!

Strength and courage aside, I was pretty worn out from my extended visit in "Mommyland" and desperately needed a break. I was sad and lonely and quite depressed, really. I have for a long while been very concerned what I will do for myself when my kids are grown and all in school. I allowed my selfishness, stress and emotions to take over and I became a screeching drill sergeant that was clearly becoming difficult to bear for the munchkins.

During the two weeks before we left for Alaska, I knew of three children under the age of 8 that were taken too soon. A baby with a brain tumor, a 2 y/o with a heart condition, and an 8 y/o drowning victim. This harsh reminder that children are suseptible to death forced me to look at my relationship with my kids and evaluate where it might be lacking- and to FIX IT! Those three mothers would give anything for just one more day with their babies and here I am with three healthy children that most of the time I couldn't wait to get away from! I also ran into a friend that I hadn't seen in over ten years, out of the blue and in an obscure place. The last time I saw her I ran into her out of the blue and in an obscure place after not seeing her for ten years. These were to be the beiginnings of a transformation within my soul and a journey of renewal.

As I flew away to Alaska, my heart and mind were slowly coming to terms with what had so disturbingly slapped me across the face...I was failing my children. I was taking them for granted and worse, was taking my emotion out on them. Good, bad, or downright ugly, they were having to endure me. That is not something I am proud to say or that I thought I ever would say, but it is true. I am truly sorry for how far I let myself slide off course and I am determined to right this vessel!!!

My marriage has been through a lot the last 4 years. I will not ever go into that here, but suffice to say that "endure" had become a word well known by more than just the children. I also comtemplated this as we traveled. Our marriage is much better now and I had something up my sleeve that I hoped would be as meaninful to CJ as it was to be for me.

All these things (and more) weighed heavily on my mind. I hoped that the vacation would provide some relief to the stress that I had been going through. I had no idea that I would land in Seattle one person and leave Alaska someone entirely changed and...RENEWED.

We had amazing experiences in Alaska. I hope to post in more detail each event, but for this story, I need to focus on one. Salmon fishing. CJ and I went Salmon fishing and had what is most likely, going to be a day that I remember on my death bed. Yes. It was that powerful. We saw a whale not 50 feet from our boat! Six people caught 36 fish in under three hours! I had a spiritual experience with an eagle that I believe to the bottom of my soul was my dad reaching across the veil to let me know that he is with me still!

Any one of those things would be amazing, but we got to experience them all in one day! And as we learned more about Alaska and how important the salmon are to her welfare, I began to see a connection. Salmon are the symbol for renewal in the native cultures of Alaska. It seems fitting that we should have such a momentous day centered around renewal when there was so much of me that needed to be renewed.

As the trip went on, the events unfolded, and the sheer beauty of that place gave me pause; I came to realize that the force greater than myself was revealing to me a new plan for my life. I thought about the trip and how the symbolism of the salmon could help me change what needed changing, right the wrongs, and heal my Lula Belle.

My limit the day we fished was 6 salmon. I caught 6 salmon and 1 rockfish. I believe that God gave me 6 salmon to help me renew 6 areas of my life:

1)My mind- through learning. simply listening to my own thoughts, and the prospect of being mentally challenged everyday while raising my children in a whole new way

2) My body- by realizing that I need to nourish and care for my body in a more responsible manner

3) My spirit- by releasing stress and anger that had made me behave in ways that I don't want to behave,opening myself to true forgiveness and healing

4)My marriage- by concentrating on the bond between us and renewing our vows to strengthen and remind us of what we mean to each other

5)My children- by the Grace of God alone, I have had a major shift in how I think about those kids. I no longer desire to spend time away from them, but instead have found myself ready to commit to a new lifestyle that would mean they were with me every minute of every day- and it makes my heart happy to think of it.

6)My commitment- these huge changes could not be possible without a level of commitment that I think was out of my reach before. And with the renewal of these other five areas, I feel the strength and ability rising within me to commit to being the wife and mother that God wants me to be and that my family needs me to be.

I also said I caught a rockfish. Of all the people on the boat- I caught it. This fish became the bait for the eagle that swooped down right in front of me to feed upon it. It was the instrument that God used to allow me, for one brief and glorious moment to connect with my dad, who loved eagles so much and passed away in 2004; to FEEL daddy's presence and the power of God! I am truly thankful, Lord, for these gifts you have revealed to me.

RENEWAL.

Now, I think I may have painted myself as a pretty poor mother here, but I wasn't. I have always loved them, always tried to treat them with kindness and respect, and never abused them; but the stress of three young kids, largely on my own, did wear me to a point of diminished capacity. However, I no longer see my children as stressful work! I see them as these beautiful gifts that have been entrusted to me by God. Gifts that are all wrapped up inside beautiful, colorful wrapping with a glorious surprise inside- and part of the gift is that I get to help shape the suprise! I have so much more patience, tolerance and desire to be and do more for them. I can see clearly things that used to elude me about their behavior. I actually WANT to be with them, like, ALL THE TIME!!!

Since we have been home, I have been ill and have had even more time to reflect on the renewal of my life. The renewal of me, the renewal of relationships; like the long lost friend that clearly, God wants to be a part of my life. She has already inspired me. Through her and all that happened in Alaska, I have made a decision that had been floating in my head for many months and will drastically change our lives. All of our lives. I want to homeschool my children and I feel that I have the ability, strength and courage to do it well. The reasons why are fare for a whole other post, but I have thought long and hard about it, prayed about it and feel this is the path that renewal demands. "Mommyland" is no longer a derogetory term. It is the place in which I desire to dwell.








RENEWAL.







It is a simple sounding word, yet such a complex process. It involves letting go and grabbing hold at the same time. It is a putting to rest and and awakening. A light in the darkness. It is a long lost friend. It is an eagle. It is a fish. It is a relief.