Sunshine

If you are reading my blog, you have probably been directed here via http://www.trixies-stix.blogspot.com. Thanks for stopping by. I must say I have a disclaimer of my own...

Gosh. To anyone else it probably seems like Trixie and I cannot blow enough "Sunshine" up each other's %&#es! Our blogs are filled with so many compliments that it occurs to me that it may be slightly nauseating for some!

In our defense, can I just say that we are at a point in our lives where these seemingly over abundant gratuities, expressions of love and general feelings of appreciation are finally able to be out in the open. We have spent most of our lives at an emotional distance. It feels really good to be comfortable enough with Trixie to let her know what I have always felt for her, but had difficulty for one reason or another articulating in a meaningful way.

So, thanks to all of you for enduring our long overdue sisterly love. It may appear to be too much but I assure you, it is by no means enough yet. Not on my behalf, anyway. Regardless, I'll try to reel it in a bit so as not to make any of you toss your cookies.

And thanks to Trixie for her compliments regarding my behavior in Arizona. I am definitely a person who tends to beat herself up about things and I have been doing plenty of it. I wish I could do some things differently and that my mom and her "friend" Fred could understand the reason for my overwhelming need to try to exert control throughout the week of my mother's hospitalization.

What must have appeared malicious to Fred was actually my attempt (albeit a poor one) to maintain some degree of a feeling of my mom, sister and myself as a family unit. Since our dad died our mom has grown increasingly distant; and witnessing Fred taking a "spousal role" with her in such a delicate and life threatening situation often made me physically ill and unable to draw breath for missing my dad so much.

My senses were raw. I felt like every time Fred did something kind for mom that I would like to have pushed him away from her to somehow protect our family turf. It is silly, I know. Yet somehow, I was acutely aware of every tiny thing that in any other situation would have been benign and completely unoffensive.

By Wednesday we were barely speaking; for what I am sure he thought was a blatant attack on his role in my mother's life. I know that he felt like I was trying to control things to push him away from me and my mother, but really all I was doing was wishing so badly that he were my dad there stroking my mom's hair that I became more angry than I have ever been about dad's death. This made me seem cold and even punishing to him, but honestly that is not what I intended. I was simply in a place of grief that in the three years since my dad passed I had not been in yet.

Now don't get me wrong, I feel like I still have plenty to be angry at Fred and my mom about; things I won't go into now and especially in light of his behavior that week. He didn't even try to consider what might be driving my behavior, but instead responded with cruelty of his own. Still, I accept responsibility for my own less than desirable behavior and will try to make amends. I'm not sure how yet, but it will come to me.

For now though I will relish in the "sunshine" that Trixie and I have begun to spread around and allow that to assuage my grief.